Burning the Maps

Burning the Maps

By faith Abraham, when he was called, obeyed by going out to a place which he was to receive for an inheritance; and we went out, not knowing where he was going. Hebrews 11:8 NAS

Have you ever gone out somewhere not knowing where you were going? How far did you go? Was it a foreign country? Did you leave your friends and family and all that was familiar behind? How long did you stay? This verse amazes me. He went on a promise of his inheritance.

I’m the kind of person who likes to know where I am going. I am what I call “directionally illiterate”—I have little internal sense of direction. I am HEAVILY reliant on my GPS and maps to know where I am and where I am going. I still don’t intuitively know my right from my left; I have to take a moment to think and figure it out. If you spin me around a few times, I have no idea where I am. I eventually will remember my way around familiar areas, but it takes me longer than most. My brain just doesn’t map well. As an outside sales rep I would drive all over the New Jersey and New York. I purchased an atlas to keep in my car in case the GPS spazzed out so I could still find my way home.

Late April 2017 I had a troubling dream. In the dream I was giving birth to a baby, the baby’s head and one arm came out, but then the process stopped. I got up and started to go about normal life again—with a half born baby awkwardly dangling between my legs!! I woke up really troubled by the dream. Metaphorically, the dream was accurate. In many aspects of my life I felt like I was STUCK in the middle of transition. There was a sense of urgency to the dream. A half born baby could not survive. I took a week off of work to stop going “about normal life” and really seek to hear God and what He wanted to say and where He wanted to transition me to. I found a spot to camp as a place to get alone and away from distractions. I cleared out my car of all my work literature, packed it full of my camping gear, picked up some firewood and headed out. I arrived with enough time to cook dinner and head to bed. The next day I was planning on making a fire, but I realized I hadn’t brought any paper or kindling! I was wracking my brain to figure what I could use. I laughed to myself, “I could use my atlas as kindling!” My mind went to an evocative line in a poem by Nizar Qabbani:

The day I met you I tore up

All my maps

And my prophecies

Like an Arab stallion I smelled the rain

of you

Before it wet me

Heard the pulse of your voice

Before you spoke

Undid your hair with my hands

Before you had braided it

I laughed at myself for the dramatic wanderings of my mind. But that line, the day I met you I tore up all my maps, kept tumbling through my mind. The imagery, meeting someone and not caring where I was going anymore as long as I was with them. How fearful I was of being lost, and not being able to find my way home. Geographically. Spiritually. Relationally. Here I had stopped my life to get away and seek God about direction in my life, and I have this thought to burn my atlas, my plan B on how to get home. Ooh, He was digging deep here!

Even on a physical level I didn’t want to burn my maps! I liked having my backup plan, my own little security. To burn my maps was asking me to be all in. To say to God, it doesn’t matter where I go, as long as you are with me! To let Him lead me, and when I didn’t feel His leading, to stay still and wait on Him. To not jump the gun and run out on my own strength and ideas and agenda apart from Him.

I wanted to dismiss all this and just move past it. I had brought my old ipad to be able to type up some notes over the next few days. My ipad is the original edition, and is obsolete apart from being an oversized ipod to play music on and typing up notes. But it seemed like a good alternative to bringing my laptop camping. I hadn’t used the ipad in years. I opened up the notes app to type up some thoughts, and there is the Nizar Qabbani poem I had cut and pasted it into my notes some years earlier to save it. The day I met you I tore up all my maps. It was too much to be a coincidence. I knew God was speaking, and too clearly to ignore.

He can be so gentle, yet so sharp. He loves us way too much to let us stay stagnant. I laid down every back up plan, every plan B, every way I was working in my own strength apart from Him and His purposes for me. I symbolically started my fire with my atlas pages. I started with my least favorite states, the ones I wasn’t planning to travel to. I still had quite a bit of the atlas left and I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to burn ALL of it.  “God, do I need to burn all of them?” Yes, I needed to burn them all. How often do I want to give God the things on the peripheral, as an offering of “sacrifice”, while holding back all that is closest to my heart. I burned every last page, cover to cover. Maybe life would look much different than I had hoped or dreamed. Did I trust Him?

I felt a little naked the next few weeks driving around. I was very conscious about not having the crutch in the back of the car “just in case.” But, that was over a year ago now, and I rarely think about those maps anymore.

Until I was driving through Nebraska a few weeks ago.

I was on a solo road trip home from Wyoming, and I had booked an Airbnb near what I thought was the suburbs of Omaha. It wasn’t. It was miles and miles of corn fields, and the GPS no longer knew where I was. My little blue dot hadn’t moved since I got off the highway. Even worse, most of the roads had no names or signs! The road made a curve that didn’t seem to be along the way I should be going. I turned around and made the turn I thought I missed. More rolling fields of corn, and not a home in sight. I kept driving, and the blue dot never caught up with me. Finally! A marked road! I was on the right path. I counted the roads until the next turn I should make. Still not a home within view. I am still baffled how I got to my stay that evening. It feels a bit like a miracle.

I’ve been thinking about that evening a lot. Partially because when I finally arrived, things felt a bit “off”—I didn’t really feel safe, but there weren’t any blaring red flags to leave (more on this later), but also because it has connected me back to the burning of my maps. How I felt the loss of those maps in a time I was lost. I wanted something tangible to hold on to. Though, I don’t know if they would have helped me! It felt like a lesson in living a Spirit led life.

Lately, God feels very quiet. Like I’m a bit lost, and just fumbling forward on what’s next. It feels like I have little indication if I’m on the right path, and the metaphorical blue dot stopped moving a ways back on my “map.” The Spirit’s nudgings have gotten more and more subtle, they seem so easy to miss or dismiss. He’s asking me to grow, to engage. For my spirit to partner with His. To start listening MORE to those inner nudges that often have no external reasons or indicators. There are a dozen things I could make happen with my connections and abilities, but none of them FEEL right.

The waiting carves a deeper capacity to be filled. All sorts of anxieties and weakness and loneliness comes up in the stillness of waiting. And trust me, I have wondered—am I being led somewhere I even want to be?? Here is where I need to trust that God is a GOOD Father, and gives His beloved GOOD things. It feels as if by faith I am being called to venture off my map in obedience to a place God is calling me to. Not knowing where I am going.

Self Heal • Talking the First Steps Towards Wellness

Self Heal

Prunella Vulgaris

My first use of Self Heal was as a flower essence. Flower essences are different than other plant medicines, as they are solar infusions, not extracts, and they work more on the emotional level than physical. (which will have to be discussed in another post!)

I met Self Heal right in the beginning of my journey in learning about medicinal plants. I was so intrigued by this little plant that graced lawns with its subtle beauty. When I took the time to really examine each little flower— how they each emerged from their tiny cavity, and the little folds and hairs that gave the flower spike structure— I was enthralled. How have I never seen this plant before?? I was suddenly seeing it everywhere!

God gives us good medicine in His timing; He leads us on the journey of healing if we are willing.

As a flower essence, Self Heal is often used at the start of a journey towards healing. It is used when the individual lacks desire to make the necessary steps towards health, or when they rely on external voices and sources too much. While relying on external sources can be wisdom, it can also lead to a lot of confusion, and even cause more problems if we are not discerning about the source. So much of health and wellness information is rooted in marketing, bias, or just someone else’s personal journey. Just because one person (or even hundreds of people!) had a healing journey look a certain way, does not mean that it will look the same for you.

When we come to God for healing, He will lead us on a journey of holistic healing. He is the only one who can truly multitask!

The journey He has led me on has often been difficult and led to delving into areas I have not wanted to work on, but He has been faithfully there alongside; equipping, strengthening, and healing along the way, many times through unlikely sources and circumstances!

A few years back I was in a women’s group focused on emotional healing. We each had identified some lie that was hindering our growth or healing. Mine was: “my boundaries don’t matter.” We asked the Holy Spirit: “what is the truth You want to reveal in this area?” We sat in silence, and just listened. Almost immediately I heard, “Jesus is a gentleman.” This truth has transformed so much of the way I see healing. He challenges me, He calls me, He pursues me, but He is always a gentleman. He waits for me to step towards Him, to take the first step in the journey. He is right there, but He never forces His agenda on me.

We have to come to a place where we are willing to embark on the journey, to be patient in His process and timing, and take the first step!

Still Waters Part 1: Faith

Still Waters  Faith • Life • Wellness

Part 1: Faith

Psalm 23 has been haunting me in the most comforting way. It has been a reoccurring theme for months now and it seems to return to me again and again. Just yesterday it was read at a memorial I attended!

“He leads me by still waters”

Still waters evokes images of calm scenery, external peace and rest. But for me, it also speaks to an inner calm and peace, even when an external storm may be raging and I can’t physically gain the rest I desperately need. This is what I really seek. I can’t manufacture external circumstances or the weather of life, but I can choose what I build my life on. Will it be the shaky grounds of performance and acceptance? The thoughts and approval of others? Or will it be something more stable?

These words are in the context of: “The Lord is my shepherd.” The analogy is we are like sheep. Interesting fact about sheep is that they won’t drink from turbulent waters. They are skittish and afraid, and for good reason! They are terrible swimmers, and their wool soaks up water that weighs them down and they quickly drown! The Shepherd won’t force us to drink, but He brings us to a place that we CAN drink.

John 4:14 “Jesus said, “whoever drinks of the water that I will give him shall never thirst; but the water that I will give him will become in him a well of water springing up to eternal life.” John 4:14

He will place these still waters within us! So that we can be a well, a source for others! That no matter what external chaos may rage around us, we can have His peace.

Years ago, during a very turbulent time in my life, my Aunt spoke a word over me. It was an image of a lotus flower bobbing along, floating on rough waters. She saw the roots going down, down, down through the murky waters and anchoring into the solid ground. Though life was difficult, changing and uncertain, God had rooted me in Him. He would cause me to float above the stormy waters of life. I have held on to this image through MANY hard seasons of life. My faith has been my still point, a place I continue to journey to cultivate and, admittedly, struggle to stay in.

One of the many things I love about scripture is that the characters are human and flawed, but God still uses them! Moses argued with God when he is called to lead the Israelites out of captivity and said: who am I? Why should they listen to me? I don’t even know Your name! I’m not a good public speaker, I stutter! (Exodus 3-4) When the Lord commissions Joshua He repeatedly tells him BE STRONG AND COURAGEOUS. (Joshua 1) Why? Likely because he wasn’t FEELING strong or courageous.

Yet we don’t see ourselves as capable enough to do anything in our own strength, for our true competence flows from God’s empowering presence. He alone makes us adequate ministers who are focused on an entirely new covenant. Our ministry is not based on the letter of the law but through the power of the Spirit. The letter of the law kills, but the Spirit pours out life (2 Corinthians 3:5-6 TPT)

Wow, our competence flows from God’s empowering presence. This is the foundation I want to deeply sink my roots in! To receive the Spirit that pours out life, to be a well of living water.

PSALM 23

The Lord is my shepherd;

I shall not want.

He makes me to lie down in green pastures;

He leads me beside the still waters.

He restores my soul;

He leads me in the paths of righteousness

For His name’s sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil;

For You are with me;

Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;

You anoint my head with oil;

My cup runs over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me

All the days of my life;

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord

Forever.

Life Unfiltered

Life Unfiltered

We only see what we are shown. Unless we are highly sensitive, intuitive, or we have gone through the process ourselves, there is often a lot of difficulty that goes unseen and unknown by others. I personally love things with a "process." I took photography in high school, before digital photography really took off. I loved all the variables along the way that had to align just right to craft a photo. I still enjoy taking pictures, but with the instantaneous nature of seeing the digital image immediately, the option to take dozens of the same frame to catch just the right angle and lighting, and then the option to edit later! It just doesn't have the same joy and appeal. There is something about the process that brings satisfaction. All the effort of shooting an entire roll of film, mixing up the chemical solutions right, developing the negatives, working with an enlarger in the darkroom, processing through the right focus, exposure times, chemical baths-- all to reveal an image that people will like or dislike in a judgement made in a moment. All without any idea of the mechanical process, let alone the EMOTIONAL process behind the image. What might be behind the expression of the subject?

The featured photo is me, in the lovely landscape of Grand Teton National Park, WY. At first glance I might look a little smug, a little sassy, a little glamourous, a little like I'm riding a magic carpet (my foam sleeping pad) on a patch of snow. But, this was the rock bottom low of our itinerant 6 day trip backpacking the Teton Crest Trail. We had gained over 2,000’ in elevation the previous day and I woke up with awful altitude sickness. Not just the splitting headache, but severe nausea, disorientation, and ultimately vomiting. Either just prior or right after this photo was taken I threw up all the water I was struggling to drink against the nausea-- with 4 people watching. It was terrible. I don't know about you, but I personally prefer to puke in private!!

It didn't get better.

I rested for a bit, did my best to drink and eat, only to puke it all up again.

The group made the decision that I needed to get to lower elevation as soon as possible. We wouldn't be continuing on the planned route, but go back the way we came to get me down quickly and feeling better. We'd make plans from there. This hit me at the core. I felt awful, like I just ruined the vacation of four wonderful and adventurous people!

Just a few weeks prior to departing on the trip I found out I had Lyme Disease and I thought even then maybe it wouldn't be a good idea to go on the trip. On top of being recently laid off from work, and struggling if a 'vacation' was a wise choice of my time under the circumstances. Would I be physically capable of keeping up with the group? My fear was that I would hold the group back. I did all that I could to strike a balance of letting my body heal and recover; and train to gain strength and endurance. The first two days hiking took a bit to adjust to carrying the heavy pack and elevation, but I felt GOOD! Then waking a few hours later feeling miserable, and learning none of my diligence in preparation mattered in the prevention of altitude sickness. It was a hard lesson in powerlessness!

In the days since this photo was taken I have posted numerous stunning photos of the journey. I have been tagged in social media posts of us all smiling and having a blissful wild adventure, but they only tell part of the story. They show all of the beauty and fun, but none of the struggle and pain along the way. These difficult times are an important part of the process, and as much as I don't like it in the midst of it, these are the ones that refine and teach. They are what cause me to grow and learn. In this case it was a lesson in humility. Being the cause of the group rerouting their plans, receiving their care and compassion, and ultimately dividing my pack weight-- adding to their own already heavy burdens-- so that my wobbly legs could make it down to lower elevation.

My prayer on the way down was, "Lord, what are You teaching me? What is all this about?" We may not get to choose IF we suffer or struggle, but we do get to choose HOW we struggle. Difficulty for me is only a tragedy and loss if I refuse to learn and grow from the process. In addition to learning to sit in powerlessness, learning the humility, vulnerability and blessing of receiving help; I have been thinking about how we only present what we want people to see. We usually only show our best side, the flattering photos, the ones we are having fun in. But life is more fulfilling, and less lonely, when we share our whole selves with people. When we let them witness our process, to share in our success, and be a support in our struggles. This is just a little glimpse of my life unfiltered.



**A special thank you Anna for the boldness to capture my misery-- but not my puking!!**