When Fantasy Kills Destiny

I’ve moved a lot. Whenever I’m about to move, or looking for a new place to live I always try to picture myself there first. What would it be like to LIVE there, to call it “home?” Would my things fit? Would my kitty be happy? Would the space be comfortable? Would I be able to have people come visit? Would I have access to the resources I need? Would I have access to the people and aspects of life that bring me joy?

It’s not just a new home I do this with, a new job, a new endeavor, a new friendship. All too often I let my ability to fantasize dictate the direction I move in life. Here is where I go wrong, (and perhaps you do too) I can only fantasize to the degree of my knowledge. I am limiting my own potential to what I KNOW.

I've heard it said that people can only believe something that is somewhere between 10-15% beyond their scope of understanding. These aren’t exact numbers of course, because there is no real metric for measuring these things, but Arthur Burk gives a great example. I cant remember the specifics of numbers he used, so I will use myself. If there was a pie graph of ALL KNOWLEDGE in the universe, it might be said that I comprehend 6% off all knowledge in the universe. 6% is a VERY generous number here! I also have a concept of things that I know that I don’t know, such as how to put a car together. I know people know how to do it, but I don’t. I understand that the knowledge exists, I just don’t have it. I could say that perhaps 9% of the pie of all knowledge I know that I don’t know. That would bring me to a whopping 15% of known knowledge and things I know that I don’t know.

If I let my ability to fantasize dictate my potential and options, I am severely limiting myself to less than a quarter of the pie! There is a whole 75% of the pie that is totally unknown!



Here is how fantasy can kill our destiny. Often the promises and purposes God has for us, are outside our ability to even fathom. If we only stay within the confines of the “known” we never really step into a place of faith. It is through faith and patience that we receive the promises of God!

Sometimes I get frustrated with not having greater clarity of the will of God. I actually think it is often the mercy of God that He only shows me step by step and little glipses. Sometimes getting a vision of what God has planned can be paralyzing because we can’t see how we will get from where we ARE to where He has called us.

I love the story of Abraham. There is a little half a verse that has so pricked my spirit and deeply inspires me. The second half of Hebrew 11:8 says,

“And he went out, not knowing where he was going.”

Wow.

God made Abraham a promise, even though he couldn’t see how it could be fulfilled, he went out in faith, not even knowing where he was going. Faith over feelings. Faith over sight. Faith over understanding.

Fantasy confines us. Faith gives us access to the limitless potential of the plans that the Creator of the Universe has for us—the knower of ALL KNOWLEDGE no matter how far off our grid of understanding!

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Isaiah 55:8-9

Now to him who is able to do far more 
abundantly than all that we ask or think,

according to the power at work within us, 
to him be glory in the church and in 
Christ Jesus throughout all generations, 
forever and ever. Amen.

Ephesians 3:20-21

GIVE THANKS:: WE ARE FORTUNATE ONES

Let us celebrate for a day some of the GOOD of our history. There is such value in blessing and celebrating the good, and coming in the opposite spirit to all the darkness and destruction of our past and present.

“Your eye is the lamp of your body. When your eye is healthy, your whole body is full of light, but when it is bad, your body is full of darkness.” (Luke 11:34 ESV)

When I read these words, I know they are true in my heart. I need to be sure my eyes are also seeing beauty and good and justice throughout my day or my heart and body grows sick. I often have to actively seek it out and be intentional to celebrate it. When I see the kindness of a father’s tenderness towards his daughter, when I see a stranger help a mother carry a stroller up the subway stairs, when families take in children that aren’t their own and love them as if they are. Sometimes, I simply want to sit and stare at flowers to get any bit of beauty in that I can.

Today, I am humbled, because truly we are the fortunate ones. Of all the founding colonies, Plymouth is the template for Thanksgiving. Colonies varied in their founding values- some established for strategic trade routes, some seeking gold and wealth, some tobacco cash crops-- as with Jamestown, whose governor was so oppressive in his rule that when the chaplain requested just an hour on Sunday to nourish their souls he was quoted "damn their souls, plant tobacco!" But these are NOT colonies in which our celebration originates-- it is Plymouth which was marked by intercultural cooperation that lead to abundance and celebration. 

I was reading a bit of Plymouth history, and I am in awe of #Squanto. He was twice a slave. First taken back to Europe after being captured by a sea captain, only to later return to his homeland with explorers and find his entire village wiped out by disease. He was then made a slave by a tribe of his own nation. As part of the peace treaty between the settlers and the Massasoit people, Squanto taught the settlers to grow and gather food, and fish. I can’t fathom the thoughts of Squanto’s heart. If he willing to help or if he was obligated, if the experience was healing or hurtful to farm and gather on the same land that all his now deceased relatives once inhabited. But I do know, they chose to break bread together in celebration of a successful harvest, and of the peace between two people groups. Of all the suffering, strife, conflict and selfishness— we can choose to celebrate what is GOOD. 

The Scum, and the Dregs

The scum, and the Dregs

In recent weeks, my heart has been stirred to learn how to pray more strategic. Not just my own wishes or hopes, but to pray the very heart of God on the matter. While I didn’t feel like a book that laid out some step by step process or procedure was what I was looking for, I opened my browser to see what was out there. I came upon a page of quotes by Lilias Trotter that I had discovered last year. (I have a bad habit of leaving a page open as a way to "save" it on my phone-- and some for a year or more at a time!!) Here is what she says:

“How all the tenor of helplessness and failure... is only meant to make way for the prayer-life of Christ in us, and in fellowship with Him in it which will "make all things new" - no longer a weary wrestling to get access and answers, but catching His thought and swiftly asking alongside in His Name - His the upper tone, ours the undertone so to fill in the harmony.

Praying down rather than praying up - that is the summing up... that the velocity and power of anything that comes down, gains in a ratio of high proportion with the height from which it drops: Even from an aeroplane, a pencil falling will take on the force of a bullet. What might not our prayer power be if it comes down from the throne of the Priest. “Prayer is the true and lasting will of the soul united and fastened into the will of our Lord by the sweet inward work of the Holy Ghost”— so it was defined by Mother Julian of Norwich 400 years ago (31 July, 1913)”  (Emphasis mine)

Yes!! Praying down rather than praying up. I found that Lilias wrote these words of reflection after listening to Samuel Zwemer at the International Sunday School Convention in Zurich in 1913. A little more digging, I unearthed a wonderful little booklet he wrote simply titled, “Prayer.”

This thirty page booklet packs a lot of potency. He writes about taking hold of God with our emotions. He says this:

“The psychology of prayer also includes taking hold of God with our emotions, our passions and our deepest feelings. We find them all in the prayers of David- awe, fear, sor­row, joy, love, hatred, jealousy, passion. All these emotions exercised in the right way find their place in secret prayer. Here they need not be stifled. The only cure for hypocrisy is to lay hold of the source of all sincerity-secret prayers. This is what David meant when he said, "Pour out your heart before Him." The scum, and the dregs. Paul makes reference in his Epistles once and again to his tears. It is worth while to look up the references.” (Emphasis mine)

Wow. Yes! I immediately thought of the note I found a little over a year ago that my Nana had sent to me when I was in a very dark and hard place, and dearly in need of “pouring my heart out” -- the scum, and the dregs.



:::::: from October 12, 2018 :::::::

Making some room in the closet this morning to put the air conditioner away, I found a plastic bin with old pictures. I was having a great time reminiscing, when this little card fell out of the mix of photos. From 2002 when I had to dropout of college the second time to go back into treatment for an eating disorder. Those years were so dark I hardly remember reading these notes from my Nana. She was a prayer warrior and a woman of deep faith. She never got to see my healing, but she never doubted. I’m not sure exactly how heaven works, but I believe she is in my cloud of witness; those of faith that have gone before me and who’s lives still bear fruit in my own life. And here, 16 years later these words still hold comfort as I feel afresh the sting of not having a degree in a time of unemployment. Some days I get weary of feeling like trauma has a way sinking it’s tentacles into so many aspects of life. What wisdom POUR OUT YOUR HEART— trauma kept in festers and worsens. When we empty our hearts to God, we have room to receive the joy.

Saturday--

Daddy just brought your address. He came to pick up Mark

So-- I want to get this to you today. 

I am sending you many prayers and much love!

I know God will never leave you or forsake you.

And He will get you through this time Victoriously!

This too shall pass Katie

you'll be able to comfort others with the comfort

He's given you.

We all love you so much and are rooting for you.

Hugs + much love

Nana

Monday Sept 2--

Dearest Katie, 

Thinking of you much and praying for you much!

God is faithful and will bring you through this!

I read this scripture this morning. Ps 62:8

"Trust in Him at all times, pour your heart before Him.

God is a refuge for us.

Weeping endures for a night but joy comes in the morning

There's much joy coming Katie

Just take Jesus' hand-- He will walk you through!

Hugs and much love

Nana 

A Veil Thin or Torn

As the days grow short and crisp, and the green world around us prepares for winter; we are coming into a season with an intriguing mashup of spiritual beliefs, traditions, and practices. Samhain, All Saints Day, All Hollows Eve, Halloween, Day of the Dead, and the many cultural influences around this time of year circle this “thinning of the veil” between the physical world and the spiritual world. Historically, and still today, this has been the time of communicating with the dead and spirits, worshiping the Lord of the Dead, appeasing spirits, praying for the dead, honoring the dead, ritual and slaughter for cleansing and power, seeking insight, and setting intention for the coming year. The common thread is the honoring or worship, communicating, and the appeasing of spirits because the veil is thin and these spirits, “good” and “evil”, travel among us.

The ancient Hebrews also knew a veil of separation. This veil would not thin in late September/October, but there was one would go behind the veil on a day set by the Hebrew lunar calendar, around this very time! It was the veil that hung between the manifest presence of Yahweh- the One True God, and the people. There was a very prescribed manner set in the Law of Moses for worship, offering, and sacrifice. There was only ONE day a year (Yom Kippur) that ONE person (the High Priest) would be permitted behind the veil into the very presence of God. Yom Kippur, also known as The Day of Atonement, is a day of fasting, repentance, and cleansing as according to the law given to Moses.

Yet, year after year, the people remained separated from God by the veil, and only the High Priest, their intermediary, was given access- and limited to only one day- and with fear and trembling with the blood of sacrificial animal. The veil remained thick as ever; 60 feet long, 30 feet wide, and 4 inches thick— it is said it would take 300 priests (perhaps an exaggeration) to maneuver the veil. While a barrier, this veil was also protection, lest someone accidentally enter the Holy of Holies unclean and be struck down dead. Under the Law of Moses, the ceremonial cleansing were external matters and were unable to clean the heart and conscious of the worshipper. When Jesus came as the intermediary as the TRUE High Priest, to whom all others before him were a foreshadowing, He entered the Most Holy Place, not of an earthly tabernacle or temple, but the heavenly, and not by the blood of goats and calves, but His very own, spotless, blameless, pure— not just of external and superficial means, but pure through and through and offered Himself to God on our behalf, to cleanse us all and for all time. The cleansing of Jesus is one that is complete, to make pure our sinful conscience that leads to death, that we might have access to serve the living God. (Hebrews 9)

What happened to the veil? The enormous thick separation between the people and the Most Holy Place? It was torn in two— from the TOP down. Heavenward down to man. Giving ACCESS to the very presence of God behind the veil for all who come through the cleansing atonement of Jesus. The death and crucifixion of Jesus fulfilled perfectly the old covenant law and inaugurated a NEW covenant with ALL people. “And when Jesus had cried out again in a loud voice, he gave up his spirt. At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom.” Matthew 27:50-51 A veil not thinned— a veil torn. Giving full access to the Most High God through the blood of Jesus. Jesus said, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” (John 14:6)

If the veil between man and God was torn at the finished work of Christ, why then is there so much activity and energy around the “thinning veil” between the physical and spiritual worlds? Why bother with other spirits when we have open access available to God?

Some people may not know the access already provided, and so they continue to try to light their own way through life and seek any knowledge and insight from any source. Others have heard and know, but have rejected it because they love the darkness more than the Light. Many have heard John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life” But few continue to read! Verse 19 says:

“And this is the condemnation, that the light has come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil”

And still others, I believe know God, and have access, but they struggle to submit to His ways and His timing, especially in times of pain and powerlessness, so they start to seek guidance or power in the spirit realm apart from God. Or, some will start to blur the lines between what is of Light and what is of darkness. God is light; in Him there is no darkness at all. (1 John 1:5)

Any light that merely appeases the darkness, or balances the darkness is not of God and will ultimately lead to confusion, bondage, destruction, and ultimately death. What do I mean by this? Any ritual or ceremony that cleanses apart from the blood of Jesus doesn’t deal with the ROOT, only the fruit, or an outer washing that doesn’t cleanse the heart. So, year after year, it continues to sprout and need to be dealt with again. Those seeking behind the thinned veil become bound to the ritual or ceremony or means of knowledge, power or protection. It’s trading one form of bondage for a different one instead of access to true freedom. While there is a sense of control or power, in the end, it is ultimately powerlessness because they have become bound by that which they sought freedom. There is a very real power behind dark spirits, but any healing, knowledge or power from these sources do not lead to God, and ultimately lead to spiritual death and separation from God.

Jesus warns, “Therefore be careful lest the light in you be darkness.” (Luke 11:35) This is such a striking warning. How can light be darkness? Paul says in 2 Corinthians 11:14, “And no wonder, for Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light.” Paul is warning the early church here of the preaching of a different gospel, and a different Jesus. There is nothing new under the sun. There is no “new” knowledge, only a repackaging of the old. Today we hear about the “universal Christ” “Christ consciousness” Jesus as an ascended master or an enlightened prophet. These are not the Jesus of the Bible. These are the very teachings Paul was warning of! We have access to scripture to read and to know who Jesus claimed to be, and the texts of the Bible hold up more accurate than any other ancient text, and proven true for life and healing over any other path or way laid out in any other text or channeled material from other sources. Any source of knowledge or revelation of Jesus that is outside of scripture, either through other texts, words of man, or personal experiences must align to the Jesus of the Bible, it is otherwise the teaching of “another Jesus.” (2 Corinthians 11:3-4)

Those who are knowledgeable and seek behind the thinned veil know there are dark and deceiving spirits. They have methods and rituals for cleansing and protection, but none prevent them from being deceived or misled. Jesus said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” (John 8:12) We are warned to test the spirits and not trust any spirit that claims to be of the Light or that comes to bring knowledge. (1 John 4:1-3) God gives wisdom freely to those who ask. (James 1:5)

There are some marked distinctions between those who receive the torn veil access to God, and those who seek other spirits behind the thinned veil. The most poignant is that of GRACE. Biblical access to God comes by grace through faith alone; faith in the completed work of Jesus Christ. That nothing needs to be added to His work; not our good works, not any approval of man or an intermediary, no ritual or cleansing. The work of Christ is complete. If we believe in our hearts, and confess with our mouths, we are saved (Romans 10:9) We are told to repent (acknowledge our sin turn away from it), and be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ. (Acts 2:38) Traditions around the thinned veil continues to be shrouded in rites and rituals and ceremony to gain access, power, protection, knowledge, cleansing— all of which Jesus came to provide for free!

Over the years, the church had seen some of these philosophies, such as access to God comes through religious leaders or works. 502 years ago, on October 31st, Martin Luther issued 95 complaints against the established church for allowing the teaching of ‘works’ for salvation. That certain sins were permissible for a price, that salvation only came through a man constructed church. These are practices that were specifically addressed in the Bible, but

the laymen of the time didn’t have access to the scripture. They only knew what they were told by church leadership. When Martin Luther read the scriptures for himself, he saw the error of these practices.

Today we have access to read scripture, in our native tongue, to know what it says about salvation; to know what being a follower of Jesus really means, who Jesus said He was, what He taught, and all that His life and death provide! Many homes have at least one Bible— but is it being read? I urge you, don’t rely on what other people tell you about Jesus, or how imperfect humans may have represented Him. Read for yourself! Start in the Gospel of John. Jesus says “I AM” 7 times. Read them! (And then read them in context) Let no one veil that which Jesus has rendered unveiled.

The Seven “I AM” Sayings of Jesus

#1- John 6:35, 41, 48, 51

#2- John 8:12

#3- John 10:7, 9

#4- John 11:25

#5- John 10: 11, 14

#6- John 14:6

#7- John 15:1, 5

Maps and Prophecies

“I laughed at myself for the dramatic wanderings of my mind. But that line, the day I met you I tore up all my maps, kept tumbling through my mind. The imagery, meeting someone and not caring where I was going anymore as long as I was with them. How fearful I was of being lost, and not being able to find my way home. Geographically. Spiritually. Relationally. Here I had stopped my life to get away and seek God about direction in my life, and I have this thought to burn my atlas, my plan B on how to get home. Ooh, He was digging deep here!

Even on a physical level I didn’t want to burn my maps! I liked having my backup plan, my own little security. To burn my maps was asking me to be all in. To say to God, it doesn’t matter where I go, as long as you are with me! To let Him lead me, and when I didn’t feel His leading, to stay still and wait on Him. To not jump the gun and run out on my own strength and ideas and agenda apart from Him.“

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

I wrote last year (2018) as a reflection from June 2017  a time when I feel feeling deeply unsettled where I was in life, and antsy for transition, but I didn't know where or what to. I find it intriguing all of this was before I embarked on the journey into dance and learning “to follow”— but the theme is so much the same. Trust and follow, let go of the anxiety of where and when, stop trying to anticipate the next move. I really had little idea then of where or what God would be leading me to. I have been thinking about the self-limitations I put on myself. I kick and scream when others try to pigeonhole me, but I am convinced that the boxes I hold myself in are the hardest to break.

The day I met you I tore up,

 All my maps, 

And my prophecies

“And my prophecies” These prophecies can be so many things! Actual prophecies, or hopes, dreams, aspiration, well laid out plans. Maybe my maps are gone, but what about my prophecies? What about how I think or hope life will look like? Nothing makes a dance more awkward than thinking I know what move I’m being setup for, only to be led into something TOTALLY different. I don’t mean to fight the lead, but I do. I start to lean in a direction that he’s not leading.

This past year has been weird to say the least. I feel a dissolving of some “prophecies”, or at least the loosening of my grip to the timeline. Perhaps I’ve been leaning in a way that I’m not being led. I still fight the leading of God, even when I don’t mean to. I am more prone to this leaning in the wrong direction when I think where or what I’m being led to is out of my character or who I think I am. This was especially true of learning to dance. Oh man, I wrestled God on that one for way too long! Yet, He knows who I am, before any wounding or brokenness warped how He designed me, and He is faithfully leading me into each place, person, and pursuit with the intention of healing and wholeness. 

As these last months have unfolded I have a feeling I perhaps have been leaning in a way God has not been leading. If what I am sensing is true, it will be one of them most wild "out of character" adventures yet. My prayer this last year in particular has been that I would be ready to jump to what God has next when it is revealed and He says, "now."

This reminds me of a pivotal prayer I prayed late December 2012. The New Year and my birthday are always very contemplative times for me. I take stock in the past year, my life, and seek God about the coming year and setting the stage for the future. That year I was in a different transition, less vocational, more spiritual. Sometimes I can feel fatigued by transition seeming to be a constant in my life, but ya know what? THANK GOD He doesn't leave me stagnant! So, that brisk December morning, I went out for a run; to pray and seek God about the new year. A prayer rose on my heart: "God, I don't want to fight you anymore, clear away the things that are preventing me from being obedient!" Eek! It felt like a dangerous prayer! I remember pausing. In shock of what I prayed. Did I really mean that?? Ugh, yes! I had counted the cost and said YES. 

Over the years there has been a lot that has been stripped away. Some were obviously holding me back from growth, but there were also a lot of "good" things, that really hurt! I felt the loss. There were years of shifting social groups, recreation time, vacation pursuits, even physical objects in my home and how I cared for my body. But there was also a lot that was ADDED that I had no grid to even hope for or desire; deep spiritual friendships, community, new ways to connect with people, compassion, recreational pursuits! 

I've always had a bit of a resistant to personality tests that put people into categories and types (I'm sure that statement puts me in some kind of category) I know some see it as a diagnostic filter, and perhaps it is of some use. Yet, the more I trust the nudges of the Holy Spirit in ways that feel so far off my map and my own sense "who I am" the more I feel these typings can be such a barrier to obedience and growth. So much of what I find deep joy and satisfaction in I never would have chosen for myself! It started as an act of obedience, an area I was resistant to! This is also why the New Age philosophies of law of attraction and manifesting what one desires through intentional thought always felt so flawed to me: I would never have picked the things in life that give me the most joy! I only have them in my life because of my surrender to Jesus and the leading of the Holy Spirit.  

I've grown ambivalent towards any of these categories- similar to how I feel about astrological signs- I am aware they are out there and people want to use them to understand themselves and others, but they hold no bearing on WHO I AM. My goal is to stay soft, tender, and attentive to who my Heavenly Father says I am, and to the leading of the Holy Spirit. 

The day I met you I tore up,

 All my maps, 

And my prophecies

“Lord, it doesn’t matter where I go as long as You are with me”

Rustic Retreat

RUSTIC RETREAT

I can’t believe this was a year ago! I was actually just cleaning out the center console of my car last week and found the receipt from that evening meal at the diner. What blessings that evening and morning was there. It truly was the restorative rustic retreat that my soul needed. I was just starting out on a long solo ride home from a super fun vacation in Wyoming that ended in an awkward parting of ways with my travel companion out there. That trip was pretty soon after I had been laid off from my job, and honestly, I wasn’t feeling like there was much to go home to. I was feeling very disoriented, confused, and frustrated. The thought did cross my mind, maybe I wouldn’t go home. Maybe I’d just continue to wander around the west and drop off the grid for awhile, Into the Wild style.

I did never like that story. Something always didn’t sit right with me about it. While everyone else seemed to admire Chris McCandless for his adventurous and free spirit, it broke my heart in a weird way. I saw a lot of myself in Chris, and I didn’t like it. After reading the book, my sister even asked that if I ever planned to disappear like that, if I’d be sure to let her know. Ouch. I think I cried. I couldn’t quite articulate what about the story didn’t fit or sit right, but it really saddened my heart. Return to the Wilderness, a follow up documentary came out in 2014, and it made a lot of sense of what I was feeling and put the pieces together. He was running from pain, not just adventuring. I know what that feels like.

Interestingly, it was also a year ago the haunting poem by Robert Service resurfaced (see below) from my archives as I was processing through my own wanderings as I read through the book The Restless Heart. I can’t unpack all of the depths that I wrestled through, but I think a lot of healing happens in the stillness. When I let all I’ve been keeping at bay with movement and distraction finally catchup to me and I allow myself to FEEL. To give God access to help me process and heal, and allow close those He’s called to come along side with me. By stillness, I don’t even mean lack of movement, because I actually find sometimes I process better when I’m moving my body. But physical stillness and rest was certainly part of it! I also don’t think healing means my love of adventure and travel would subside, but put in a healthy place, in better alignment. A place where my heart is open and free, and not numb and distracted.