A birthday reflection of the year
It’s been an admittedly hard (and yet wonderful) year.
It’s so interesting how we can often tell two opposing stories of the same
narrative. Right? Last New Years my resolution was to have more fun. Well—
being unemployed the majority of the year, I certainly did have more fun than I
worked! At the same time, it’s been a deeply dark, difficult, and soul
searching time marked by a lot of hard questions and loneliness. But I need to
share some details as to WHY this is incredible. I don’t understand God or His
timing, but I have clung on for dear life that HE IS GOOD. There is no need for
faith if we fully see and comprehend.
This is too good not to share. About two and a half years
ago work started getting really difficult for me at the company I was with.
Where I previously seemed to have favor, I felt like I was spinning my wheels
and working harder than ever with diminishing returns. It was frustrating to
say the least. I felt like the time to move on was coming. In my gut, I felt
like I was going to get fired or laid off— the thought was anxiety producing to
say the least! During that time, I did everything I knew on my end, and started
to look for what might be next. Nothing felt “right” and as time went on there
was a building of this anxious pressure and antsiness. My mom described me as a
race horse chomping at the bit in the stall before the gate is open, and that
quite accurately described how I was feeling inside. I was ready for something
NEW! I felt like God was keeping me in that job for a purpose, though I didn’t
know why, and it was frustrating and painful. Easter came last year, and the
following morning I was chatting with my dad, and he asked what I wanted for my
up coming birthday, and I blurted out, “a new job”. He kind of awkwardly
chuckled, assuming I’d come up with something more tangible. Later that day
while I was praying and talking to God about it, I felt a strong impression to
write a letter of resignation, and a list of all the ways the job has been a
blessing and provision. I did just that. I crafted an eloquent letter, kindly
and respectfully resigning, even adding that my last day of work would be May
8th (because May 9th was my birthday, and I wanted a new job!). Below, I wrote
quite a long list of all the blessings and provisions the job has provided. I
saved the file and forgot about the silly little exercise.
The weeks following were busy and stressful, auditing a
class at the local seminary, a church conference, working with my boss for a
week, friends visiting, family visiting, a falafel party, travel to Haiti.
Then, May 8th, I got the call. It was my boss calling to inform me of some
restructuring that needed to happen in the tristate area. Due to some industry
changes, the territory could no longer support all the sales reps in the area,
and I was being offered to either relocate to the Nashville territory, or to no
longer work with the company. Either way, by the end of the month, I would no
longer be doing the job I had done for the last 6 years.
There was so much of God’s peace and grace during that
call. Obviously part of me was in shock of the news, but also in shock that
maybe God heard my wanting a new job? But this was NOT exactly what I meant. I
suddenly didn’t feel ready! I pretty quickly declined the relocation, figuring
God had a new job for me here.
Well, the process of finding that new job did not go as
quickly as I thought it would. I had lots of opportunities for travel both for
potential work, temp work, and for pleasure, and it was a huge provision both
financially, but also for my mental state. When November came, travel stopped,
and still nothing panned out on the work front, things started to feel really
hard. It had been my prayer that I wouldn’t squander this time being anxious,
and I really can’t say I fully succeeded at that! There are a lot of potent
lessons that I am still unpacking.
I continued to follow leads that didn’t seem to pan out,
picked up part time work, periodically did herbal educational workshops and
consultations— but nothing felt like it was really coming together. By Easter
this year, I was a bit unraveled to say it kindly. My family sat with me
through lunch as I cried unprompted. I just couldn’t hold it together. They
supported me as they knew, but really— in those spaces, it feels like an
unhelpable place to be when none of us are in control of the external
situations. Only God. And then Tuesday, even worse! Thank God for my parents,
really. So, so much. They really talked me down and helped set out a plan for
moving forward.
I wasn’t really planning to go back to the same type of
work as before, but I would peruse the industry job websites periodically to
see if there was anything I was qualified for. Well, that Tuesday, there was!
And right in NY! My spirit jumped a bit with excitement. (A surprise to me!) so
I quickly submitted my resume and a cover letter. I got a response that day and
set up an initial call! After a 4th interview, they offered me the position!
May 8th, the day before my birthday! A FULL YEAR, to the day, LATER. Gosh, I
don’t have much more of an understanding of God’s timing, or what His plan
always is, but I know He is good. This is just a job, it’s not my saving.
John the Baptist said, “A man can receive nothing unless
it has been given to him from heaven.” (John 3:27) I’ve been chewing on these
words. Is it a gift if we earn it? Is it a gift if there is a cost? Sometimes
the gifts God gives feel heavy, and costly. To give up our work for His work. I
think of it as if I have spent my whole life building a house and creating a
life for myself— and then a good king comes and offers me to be part of his
household. To rule with peace and justice, to do REAL good in the world, but I
will have to leave the home and life I created to come live in his palace.
Would I do it? Would I go? Sure there is a “cost”— but it’s but a speck in
comparison to what I get to gain by following Jesus. We gain so much more than
we give up.
Lilias Trotter said, “believe in the darkness what you
have seen in the light.” These words are hard and true. I think it’s a lovely
image of faith. When I don’t know, or understand, or feel— in a state of utter
bewilderment— I can still TRUST. Sometimes that looks messy. Emotions don’t
need to line up with actions. Even when keeping faith feels like foolishness, I
can keep holding on. James 1: 22-25 says: “But be doers of the word, and not
hearers only, deceiving yourselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and
not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a
mirror. For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was
like. But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and
perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed
in his doing.” Wow- yes. Being a “doer of the word” is not forgetting who you
are when you can’t see, but still persevere.
I still can't say in understand all of the ways of God,
but I know His ways are higher, and that He is good! Perhaps, this was a
‘sabbath year’ I had been wanting. If so, I really do have some sabbath skills
that need some honing!
And, joy upon joy, this year there is about a dozen or so
PINK LADY SLIPPERS babies that popped up!
What a gift!!