Life Unfiltered

Life Unfiltered

We only see what we are shown. Unless we are highly sensitive, intuitive, or we have gone through the process ourselves, there is often a lot of difficulty that goes unseen and unknown by others. I personally love things with a "process." I took photography in high school, before digital photography really took off. I loved all the variables along the way that had to align just right to craft a photo. I still enjoy taking pictures, but with the instantaneous nature of seeing the digital image immediately, the option to take dozens of the same frame to catch just the right angle and lighting, and then the option to edit later! It just doesn't have the same joy and appeal. There is something about the process that brings satisfaction. All the effort of shooting an entire roll of film, mixing up the chemical solutions right, developing the negatives, working with an enlarger in the darkroom, processing through the right focus, exposure times, chemical baths-- all to reveal an image that people will like or dislike in a judgement made in a moment. All without any idea of the mechanical process, let alone the EMOTIONAL process behind the image. What might be behind the expression of the subject?

The featured photo is me, in the lovely landscape of Grand Teton National Park, WY. At first glance I might look a little smug, a little sassy, a little glamourous, a little like I'm riding a magic carpet (my foam sleeping pad) on a patch of snow. But, this was the rock bottom low of our itinerant 6 day trip backpacking the Teton Crest Trail. We had gained over 2,000’ in elevation the previous day and I woke up with awful altitude sickness. Not just the splitting headache, but severe nausea, disorientation, and ultimately vomiting. Either just prior or right after this photo was taken I threw up all the water I was struggling to drink against the nausea-- with 4 people watching. It was terrible. I don't know about you, but I personally prefer to puke in private!!

It didn't get better.

I rested for a bit, did my best to drink and eat, only to puke it all up again.

The group made the decision that I needed to get to lower elevation as soon as possible. We wouldn't be continuing on the planned route, but go back the way we came to get me down quickly and feeling better. We'd make plans from there. This hit me at the core. I felt awful, like I just ruined the vacation of four wonderful and adventurous people!

Just a few weeks prior to departing on the trip I found out I had Lyme Disease and I thought even then maybe it wouldn't be a good idea to go on the trip. On top of being recently laid off from work, and struggling if a 'vacation' was a wise choice of my time under the circumstances. Would I be physically capable of keeping up with the group? My fear was that I would hold the group back. I did all that I could to strike a balance of letting my body heal and recover; and train to gain strength and endurance. The first two days hiking took a bit to adjust to carrying the heavy pack and elevation, but I felt GOOD! Then waking a few hours later feeling miserable, and learning none of my diligence in preparation mattered in the prevention of altitude sickness. It was a hard lesson in powerlessness!

In the days since this photo was taken I have posted numerous stunning photos of the journey. I have been tagged in social media posts of us all smiling and having a blissful wild adventure, but they only tell part of the story. They show all of the beauty and fun, but none of the struggle and pain along the way. These difficult times are an important part of the process, and as much as I don't like it in the midst of it, these are the ones that refine and teach. They are what cause me to grow and learn. In this case it was a lesson in humility. Being the cause of the group rerouting their plans, receiving their care and compassion, and ultimately dividing my pack weight-- adding to their own already heavy burdens-- so that my wobbly legs could make it down to lower elevation.

My prayer on the way down was, "Lord, what are You teaching me? What is all this about?" We may not get to choose IF we suffer or struggle, but we do get to choose HOW we struggle. Difficulty for me is only a tragedy and loss if I refuse to learn and grow from the process. In addition to learning to sit in powerlessness, learning the humility, vulnerability and blessing of receiving help; I have been thinking about how we only present what we want people to see. We usually only show our best side, the flattering photos, the ones we are having fun in. But life is more fulfilling, and less lonely, when we share our whole selves with people. When we let them witness our process, to share in our success, and be a support in our struggles. This is just a little glimpse of my life unfiltered.



**A special thank you Anna for the boldness to capture my misery-- but not my puking!!**