The Scum, and the Dregs

The scum, and the Dregs

In recent weeks, my heart has been stirred to learn how to pray more strategic. Not just my own wishes or hopes, but to pray the very heart of God on the matter. While I didn’t feel like a book that laid out some step by step process or procedure was what I was looking for, I opened my browser to see what was out there. I came upon a page of quotes by Lilias Trotter that I had discovered last year. (I have a bad habit of leaving a page open as a way to "save" it on my phone-- and some for a year or more at a time!!) Here is what she says:

“How all the tenor of helplessness and failure... is only meant to make way for the prayer-life of Christ in us, and in fellowship with Him in it which will "make all things new" - no longer a weary wrestling to get access and answers, but catching His thought and swiftly asking alongside in His Name - His the upper tone, ours the undertone so to fill in the harmony.

Praying down rather than praying up - that is the summing up... that the velocity and power of anything that comes down, gains in a ratio of high proportion with the height from which it drops: Even from an aeroplane, a pencil falling will take on the force of a bullet. What might not our prayer power be if it comes down from the throne of the Priest. “Prayer is the true and lasting will of the soul united and fastened into the will of our Lord by the sweet inward work of the Holy Ghost”— so it was defined by Mother Julian of Norwich 400 years ago (31 July, 1913)”  (Emphasis mine)

Yes!! Praying down rather than praying up. I found that Lilias wrote these words of reflection after listening to Samuel Zwemer at the International Sunday School Convention in Zurich in 1913. A little more digging, I unearthed a wonderful little booklet he wrote simply titled, “Prayer.”

This thirty page booklet packs a lot of potency. He writes about taking hold of God with our emotions. He says this:

“The psychology of prayer also includes taking hold of God with our emotions, our passions and our deepest feelings. We find them all in the prayers of David- awe, fear, sor­row, joy, love, hatred, jealousy, passion. All these emotions exercised in the right way find their place in secret prayer. Here they need not be stifled. The only cure for hypocrisy is to lay hold of the source of all sincerity-secret prayers. This is what David meant when he said, "Pour out your heart before Him." The scum, and the dregs. Paul makes reference in his Epistles once and again to his tears. It is worth while to look up the references.” (Emphasis mine)

Wow. Yes! I immediately thought of the note I found a little over a year ago that my Nana had sent to me when I was in a very dark and hard place, and dearly in need of “pouring my heart out” -- the scum, and the dregs.



:::::: from October 12, 2018 :::::::

Making some room in the closet this morning to put the air conditioner away, I found a plastic bin with old pictures. I was having a great time reminiscing, when this little card fell out of the mix of photos. From 2002 when I had to dropout of college the second time to go back into treatment for an eating disorder. Those years were so dark I hardly remember reading these notes from my Nana. She was a prayer warrior and a woman of deep faith. She never got to see my healing, but she never doubted. I’m not sure exactly how heaven works, but I believe she is in my cloud of witness; those of faith that have gone before me and who’s lives still bear fruit in my own life. And here, 16 years later these words still hold comfort as I feel afresh the sting of not having a degree in a time of unemployment. Some days I get weary of feeling like trauma has a way sinking it’s tentacles into so many aspects of life. What wisdom POUR OUT YOUR HEART— trauma kept in festers and worsens. When we empty our hearts to God, we have room to receive the joy.

Saturday--

Daddy just brought your address. He came to pick up Mark

So-- I want to get this to you today. 

I am sending you many prayers and much love!

I know God will never leave you or forsake you.

And He will get you through this time Victoriously!

This too shall pass Katie

you'll be able to comfort others with the comfort

He's given you.

We all love you so much and are rooting for you.

Hugs + much love

Nana

Monday Sept 2--

Dearest Katie, 

Thinking of you much and praying for you much!

God is faithful and will bring you through this!

I read this scripture this morning. Ps 62:8

"Trust in Him at all times, pour your heart before Him.

God is a refuge for us.

Weeping endures for a night but joy comes in the morning

There's much joy coming Katie

Just take Jesus' hand-- He will walk you through!

Hugs and much love

Nana 

A Veil Thin or Torn

As the days grow short and crisp, and the green world around us prepares for winter; we are coming into a season with an intriguing mashup of spiritual beliefs, traditions, and practices. Samhain, All Saints Day, All Hollows Eve, Halloween, Day of the Dead, and the many cultural influences around this time of year circle this “thinning of the veil” between the physical world and the spiritual world. Historically, and still today, this has been the time of communicating with the dead and spirits, worshiping the Lord of the Dead, appeasing spirits, praying for the dead, honoring the dead, ritual and slaughter for cleansing and power, seeking insight, and setting intention for the coming year. The common thread is the honoring or worship, communicating, and the appeasing of spirits because the veil is thin and these spirits, “good” and “evil”, travel among us.

The ancient Hebrews also knew a veil of separation. This veil would not thin in late September/October, but there was one would go behind the veil on a day set by the Hebrew lunar calendar, around this very time! It was the veil that hung between the manifest presence of Yahweh- the One True God, and the people. There was a very prescribed manner set in the Law of Moses for worship, offering, and sacrifice. There was only ONE day a year (Yom Kippur) that ONE person (the High Priest) would be permitted behind the veil into the very presence of God. Yom Kippur, also known as The Day of Atonement, is a day of fasting, repentance, and cleansing as according to the law given to Moses.

Yet, year after year, the people remained separated from God by the veil, and only the High Priest, their intermediary, was given access- and limited to only one day- and with fear and trembling with the blood of sacrificial animal. The veil remained thick as ever; 60 feet long, 30 feet wide, and 4 inches thick— it is said it would take 300 priests (perhaps an exaggeration) to maneuver the veil. While a barrier, this veil was also protection, lest someone accidentally enter the Holy of Holies unclean and be struck down dead. Under the Law of Moses, the ceremonial cleansing were external matters and were unable to clean the heart and conscious of the worshipper. When Jesus came as the intermediary as the TRUE High Priest, to whom all others before him were a foreshadowing, He entered the Most Holy Place, not of an earthly tabernacle or temple, but the heavenly, and not by the blood of goats and calves, but His very own, spotless, blameless, pure— not just of external and superficial means, but pure through and through and offered Himself to God on our behalf, to cleanse us all and for all time. The cleansing of Jesus is one that is complete, to make pure our sinful conscience that leads to death, that we might have access to serve the living God. (Hebrews 9)

What happened to the veil? The enormous thick separation between the people and the Most Holy Place? It was torn in two— from the TOP down. Heavenward down to man. Giving ACCESS to the very presence of God behind the veil for all who come through the cleansing atonement of Jesus. The death and crucifixion of Jesus fulfilled perfectly the old covenant law and inaugurated a NEW covenant with ALL people. “And when Jesus had cried out again in a loud voice, he gave up his spirt. At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom.” Matthew 27:50-51 A veil not thinned— a veil torn. Giving full access to the Most High God through the blood of Jesus. Jesus said, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” (John 14:6)

If the veil between man and God was torn at the finished work of Christ, why then is there so much activity and energy around the “thinning veil” between the physical and spiritual worlds? Why bother with other spirits when we have open access available to God?

Some people may not know the access already provided, and so they continue to try to light their own way through life and seek any knowledge and insight from any source. Others have heard and know, but have rejected it because they love the darkness more than the Light. Many have heard John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life” But few continue to read! Verse 19 says:

“And this is the condemnation, that the light has come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil”

And still others, I believe know God, and have access, but they struggle to submit to His ways and His timing, especially in times of pain and powerlessness, so they start to seek guidance or power in the spirit realm apart from God. Or, some will start to blur the lines between what is of Light and what is of darkness. God is light; in Him there is no darkness at all. (1 John 1:5)

Any light that merely appeases the darkness, or balances the darkness is not of God and will ultimately lead to confusion, bondage, destruction, and ultimately death. What do I mean by this? Any ritual or ceremony that cleanses apart from the blood of Jesus doesn’t deal with the ROOT, only the fruit, or an outer washing that doesn’t cleanse the heart. So, year after year, it continues to sprout and need to be dealt with again. Those seeking behind the thinned veil become bound to the ritual or ceremony or means of knowledge, power or protection. It’s trading one form of bondage for a different one instead of access to true freedom. While there is a sense of control or power, in the end, it is ultimately powerlessness because they have become bound by that which they sought freedom. There is a very real power behind dark spirits, but any healing, knowledge or power from these sources do not lead to God, and ultimately lead to spiritual death and separation from God.

Jesus warns, “Therefore be careful lest the light in you be darkness.” (Luke 11:35) This is such a striking warning. How can light be darkness? Paul says in 2 Corinthians 11:14, “And no wonder, for Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light.” Paul is warning the early church here of the preaching of a different gospel, and a different Jesus. There is nothing new under the sun. There is no “new” knowledge, only a repackaging of the old. Today we hear about the “universal Christ” “Christ consciousness” Jesus as an ascended master or an enlightened prophet. These are not the Jesus of the Bible. These are the very teachings Paul was warning of! We have access to scripture to read and to know who Jesus claimed to be, and the texts of the Bible hold up more accurate than any other ancient text, and proven true for life and healing over any other path or way laid out in any other text or channeled material from other sources. Any source of knowledge or revelation of Jesus that is outside of scripture, either through other texts, words of man, or personal experiences must align to the Jesus of the Bible, it is otherwise the teaching of “another Jesus.” (2 Corinthians 11:3-4)

Those who are knowledgeable and seek behind the thinned veil know there are dark and deceiving spirits. They have methods and rituals for cleansing and protection, but none prevent them from being deceived or misled. Jesus said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” (John 8:12) We are warned to test the spirits and not trust any spirit that claims to be of the Light or that comes to bring knowledge. (1 John 4:1-3) God gives wisdom freely to those who ask. (James 1:5)

There are some marked distinctions between those who receive the torn veil access to God, and those who seek other spirits behind the thinned veil. The most poignant is that of GRACE. Biblical access to God comes by grace through faith alone; faith in the completed work of Jesus Christ. That nothing needs to be added to His work; not our good works, not any approval of man or an intermediary, no ritual or cleansing. The work of Christ is complete. If we believe in our hearts, and confess with our mouths, we are saved (Romans 10:9) We are told to repent (acknowledge our sin turn away from it), and be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ. (Acts 2:38) Traditions around the thinned veil continues to be shrouded in rites and rituals and ceremony to gain access, power, protection, knowledge, cleansing— all of which Jesus came to provide for free!

Over the years, the church had seen some of these philosophies, such as access to God comes through religious leaders or works. 502 years ago, on October 31st, Martin Luther issued 95 complaints against the established church for allowing the teaching of ‘works’ for salvation. That certain sins were permissible for a price, that salvation only came through a man constructed church. These are practices that were specifically addressed in the Bible, but

the laymen of the time didn’t have access to the scripture. They only knew what they were told by church leadership. When Martin Luther read the scriptures for himself, he saw the error of these practices.

Today we have access to read scripture, in our native tongue, to know what it says about salvation; to know what being a follower of Jesus really means, who Jesus said He was, what He taught, and all that His life and death provide! Many homes have at least one Bible— but is it being read? I urge you, don’t rely on what other people tell you about Jesus, or how imperfect humans may have represented Him. Read for yourself! Start in the Gospel of John. Jesus says “I AM” 7 times. Read them! (And then read them in context) Let no one veil that which Jesus has rendered unveiled.

The Seven “I AM” Sayings of Jesus

#1- John 6:35, 41, 48, 51

#2- John 8:12

#3- John 10:7, 9

#4- John 11:25

#5- John 10: 11, 14

#6- John 14:6

#7- John 15:1, 5

Maps and Prophecies

“I laughed at myself for the dramatic wanderings of my mind. But that line, the day I met you I tore up all my maps, kept tumbling through my mind. The imagery, meeting someone and not caring where I was going anymore as long as I was with them. How fearful I was of being lost, and not being able to find my way home. Geographically. Spiritually. Relationally. Here I had stopped my life to get away and seek God about direction in my life, and I have this thought to burn my atlas, my plan B on how to get home. Ooh, He was digging deep here!

Even on a physical level I didn’t want to burn my maps! I liked having my backup plan, my own little security. To burn my maps was asking me to be all in. To say to God, it doesn’t matter where I go, as long as you are with me! To let Him lead me, and when I didn’t feel His leading, to stay still and wait on Him. To not jump the gun and run out on my own strength and ideas and agenda apart from Him.“

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

I wrote last year (2018) as a reflection from June 2017  a time when I feel feeling deeply unsettled where I was in life, and antsy for transition, but I didn't know where or what to. I find it intriguing all of this was before I embarked on the journey into dance and learning “to follow”— but the theme is so much the same. Trust and follow, let go of the anxiety of where and when, stop trying to anticipate the next move. I really had little idea then of where or what God would be leading me to. I have been thinking about the self-limitations I put on myself. I kick and scream when others try to pigeonhole me, but I am convinced that the boxes I hold myself in are the hardest to break.

The day I met you I tore up,

 All my maps, 

And my prophecies

“And my prophecies” These prophecies can be so many things! Actual prophecies, or hopes, dreams, aspiration, well laid out plans. Maybe my maps are gone, but what about my prophecies? What about how I think or hope life will look like? Nothing makes a dance more awkward than thinking I know what move I’m being setup for, only to be led into something TOTALLY different. I don’t mean to fight the lead, but I do. I start to lean in a direction that he’s not leading.

This past year has been weird to say the least. I feel a dissolving of some “prophecies”, or at least the loosening of my grip to the timeline. Perhaps I’ve been leaning in a way that I’m not being led. I still fight the leading of God, even when I don’t mean to. I am more prone to this leaning in the wrong direction when I think where or what I’m being led to is out of my character or who I think I am. This was especially true of learning to dance. Oh man, I wrestled God on that one for way too long! Yet, He knows who I am, before any wounding or brokenness warped how He designed me, and He is faithfully leading me into each place, person, and pursuit with the intention of healing and wholeness. 

As these last months have unfolded I have a feeling I perhaps have been leaning in a way God has not been leading. If what I am sensing is true, it will be one of them most wild "out of character" adventures yet. My prayer this last year in particular has been that I would be ready to jump to what God has next when it is revealed and He says, "now."

This reminds me of a pivotal prayer I prayed late December 2012. The New Year and my birthday are always very contemplative times for me. I take stock in the past year, my life, and seek God about the coming year and setting the stage for the future. That year I was in a different transition, less vocational, more spiritual. Sometimes I can feel fatigued by transition seeming to be a constant in my life, but ya know what? THANK GOD He doesn't leave me stagnant! So, that brisk December morning, I went out for a run; to pray and seek God about the new year. A prayer rose on my heart: "God, I don't want to fight you anymore, clear away the things that are preventing me from being obedient!" Eek! It felt like a dangerous prayer! I remember pausing. In shock of what I prayed. Did I really mean that?? Ugh, yes! I had counted the cost and said YES. 

Over the years there has been a lot that has been stripped away. Some were obviously holding me back from growth, but there were also a lot of "good" things, that really hurt! I felt the loss. There were years of shifting social groups, recreation time, vacation pursuits, even physical objects in my home and how I cared for my body. But there was also a lot that was ADDED that I had no grid to even hope for or desire; deep spiritual friendships, community, new ways to connect with people, compassion, recreational pursuits! 

I've always had a bit of a resistant to personality tests that put people into categories and types (I'm sure that statement puts me in some kind of category) I know some see it as a diagnostic filter, and perhaps it is of some use. Yet, the more I trust the nudges of the Holy Spirit in ways that feel so far off my map and my own sense "who I am" the more I feel these typings can be such a barrier to obedience and growth. So much of what I find deep joy and satisfaction in I never would have chosen for myself! It started as an act of obedience, an area I was resistant to! This is also why the New Age philosophies of law of attraction and manifesting what one desires through intentional thought always felt so flawed to me: I would never have picked the things in life that give me the most joy! I only have them in my life because of my surrender to Jesus and the leading of the Holy Spirit.  

I've grown ambivalent towards any of these categories- similar to how I feel about astrological signs- I am aware they are out there and people want to use them to understand themselves and others, but they hold no bearing on WHO I AM. My goal is to stay soft, tender, and attentive to who my Heavenly Father says I am, and to the leading of the Holy Spirit. 

The day I met you I tore up,

 All my maps, 

And my prophecies

“Lord, it doesn’t matter where I go as long as You are with me”

Rustic Retreat

RUSTIC RETREAT

I can’t believe this was a year ago! I was actually just cleaning out the center console of my car last week and found the receipt from that evening meal at the diner. What blessings that evening and morning was there. It truly was the restorative rustic retreat that my soul needed. I was just starting out on a long solo ride home from a super fun vacation in Wyoming that ended in an awkward parting of ways with my travel companion out there. That trip was pretty soon after I had been laid off from my job, and honestly, I wasn’t feeling like there was much to go home to. I was feeling very disoriented, confused, and frustrated. The thought did cross my mind, maybe I wouldn’t go home. Maybe I’d just continue to wander around the west and drop off the grid for awhile, Into the Wild style.

I never liked that story. Something always didn’t sit right with me about it. While everyone else seemed to admire Chris McCandless for his adventurous and free spirit, it broke my heart in a weird way. I saw a lot of myself in Chris, and I didn’t like it. After reading the book, my sister even asked that if I ever planned to disappear like that, if I’d be sure to let her know. Ouch. I think I cried. I couldn’t quite articulate what about the story didn’t fit or sit right, but it really saddened my heart. Return to the Wilderness, a follow up documentary came out in 2014, and it made a lot of sense of what I was feeling and put the pieces together. He was running from pain, not just adventuring. I know what that feels like.

Interestingly, it was also a year ago the haunting poem by Robert Service resurfaced (see below) from my archives as I was processing through my own wanderings as I read through the book The Restless Heart. I can’t unpack all of the depths that I wrestled through, but I think a lot of healing happens in the stillness. When I let all I’ve been keeping at bay with movement and distraction finally catchup to me and I allow myself to FEEL. To give God access to help me process and heal, and allow close those He’s called to come along side with me. By stillness, I don’t even mean lack of movement, because I actually find sometimes I process better when I’m moving my body. But physical stillness and rest was certainly part of it! I also don’t think healing means my love of adventure and travel would subside, but put in a healthy place, in better alignment. A place where my heart is open and free, and not numb and distracted. 

Rejoice and Lament

A birthday reflection of the year

It’s been an admittedly hard (and yet wonderful) year. It’s so interesting how we can often tell two opposing stories of the same narrative. Right? Last New Years my resolution was to have more fun. Well— being unemployed the majority of the year, I certainly did have more fun than I worked! At the same time, it’s been a deeply dark, difficult, and soul searching time marked by a lot of hard questions and loneliness. But I need to share some details as to WHY this is incredible. I don’t understand God or His timing, but I have clung on for dear life that HE IS GOOD. There is no need for faith if we fully see and comprehend.

This is too good not to share. About two and a half years ago work started getting really difficult for me at the company I was with. Where I previously seemed to have favor, I felt like I was spinning my wheels and working harder than ever with diminishing returns. It was frustrating to say the least. I felt like the time to move on was coming. In my gut, I felt like I was going to get fired or laid off— the thought was anxiety producing to say the least! During that time, I did everything I knew on my end, and started to look for what might be next. Nothing felt “right” and as time went on there was a building of this anxious pressure and antsiness. My mom described me as a race horse chomping at the bit in the stall before the gate is open, and that quite accurately described how I was feeling inside. I was ready for something NEW! I felt like God was keeping me in that job for a purpose, though I didn’t know why, and it was frustrating and painful. Easter came last year, and the following morning I was chatting with my dad, and he asked what I wanted for my up coming birthday, and I blurted out, “a new job”. He kind of awkwardly chuckled, assuming I’d come up with something more tangible. Later that day while I was praying and talking to God about it, I felt a strong impression to write a letter of resignation, and a list of all the ways the job has been a blessing and provision. I did just that. I crafted an eloquent letter, kindly and respectfully resigning, even adding that my last day of work would be May 8th (because May 9th was my birthday, and I wanted a new job!). Below, I wrote quite a long list of all the blessings and provisions the job has provided. I saved the file and forgot about the silly little exercise.

The weeks following were busy and stressful, auditing a class at the local seminary, a church conference, working with my boss for a week, friends visiting, family visiting, a falafel party, travel to Haiti. Then, May 8th, I got the call. It was my boss calling to inform me of some restructuring that needed to happen in the tristate area. Due to some industry changes, the territory could no longer support all the sales reps in the area, and I was being offered to either relocate to the Nashville territory, or to no longer work with the company. Either way, by the end of the month, I would no longer be doing the job I had done for the last 6 years.

There was so much of God’s peace and grace during that call. Obviously part of me was in shock of the news, but also in shock that maybe God heard my wanting a new job? But this was NOT exactly what I meant. I suddenly didn’t feel ready! I pretty quickly declined the relocation, figuring God had a new job for me here.

Well, the process of finding that new job did not go as quickly as I thought it would. I had lots of opportunities for travel both for potential work, temp work, and for pleasure, and it was a huge provision both financially, but also for my mental state. When November came, travel stopped, and still nothing panned out on the work front, things started to feel really hard. It had been my prayer that I wouldn’t squander this time being anxious, and I really can’t say I fully succeeded at that! There are a lot of potent lessons that I am still unpacking.

I continued to follow leads that didn’t seem to pan out, picked up part time work, periodically did herbal educational workshops and consultations— but nothing felt like it was really coming together. By Easter this year, I was a bit unraveled to say it kindly. My family sat with me through lunch as I cried unprompted. I just couldn’t hold it together. They supported me as they knew, but really— in those spaces, it feels like an unhelpable place to be when none of us are in control of the external situations. Only God. And then Tuesday, even worse! Thank God for my parents, really. So, so much. They really talked me down and helped set out a plan for moving forward.

I wasn’t really planning to go back to the same type of work as before, but I would peruse the industry job websites periodically to see if there was anything I was qualified for. Well, that Tuesday, there was! And right in NY! My spirit jumped a bit with excitement. (A surprise to me!) so I quickly submitted my resume and a cover letter. I got a response that day and set up an initial call! After a 4th interview, they offered me the position! May 8th, the day before my birthday! A FULL YEAR, to the day, LATER. Gosh, I don’t have much more of an understanding of God’s timing, or what His plan always is, but I know He is good. This is just a job, it’s not my saving.

John the Baptist said, “A man can receive nothing unless it has been given to him from heaven.” (John 3:27) I’ve been chewing on these words. Is it a gift if we earn it? Is it a gift if there is a cost? Sometimes the gifts God gives feel heavy, and costly. To give up our work for His work. I think of it as if I have spent my whole life building a house and creating a life for myself— and then a good king comes and offers me to be part of his household. To rule with peace and justice, to do REAL good in the world, but I will have to leave the home and life I created to come live in his palace. Would I do it? Would I go? Sure there is a “cost”— but it’s but a speck in comparison to what I get to gain by following Jesus. We gain so much more than we give up.

Lilias Trotter said, “believe in the darkness what you have seen in the light.” These words are hard and true. I think it’s a lovely image of faith. When I don’t know, or understand, or feel— in a state of utter bewilderment— I can still TRUST. Sometimes that looks messy. Emotions don’t need to line up with actions. Even when keeping faith feels like foolishness, I can keep holding on. James 1: 22-25 says: “But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like. But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing.” Wow- yes. Being a “doer of the word” is not forgetting who you are when you can’t see, but still persevere.

I still can't say in understand all of the ways of God, but I know His ways are higher, and that He is good! Perhaps, this was a ‘sabbath year’ I had been wanting. If so, I really do have some sabbath skills that need some honing!

And, joy upon joy, this year there is about a dozen or so

 PINK LADY SLIPPERS babies that popped up!

What a gift!!