I Like You and I Love You

I have a dear friend who would periodically tell me that she likes me and she loves me. I adored her differentiation between the two. Because they ARE different. Sometimes people hurt us or behave in certain ways that we don’t understand or like, but we still LOVE them. Sometimes we choose to love people we don’t really like!  We keep on acting lovingly towards them. Another wise friend tells me, “Sometimes loving someone well looks like having really good boundaries.” YES!! Love is not always permissive, letting someone get their way or making excuses for their toxic or hurtful behavior. These kinds of good boundaries can help guard against letting dysfunctional elements into relationships.

What about your relationship to yourself? Perhaps there are aspects that you don’t like about yourself. Can you choose to LOVE yourself anyway? Maybe you are struggling with negativity, or anger, or criticism. You catch yourself after the fact. Perhaps it’s okay and even right to not LIKE the behavior. But how can you be loving towards yourself? The next step might be some tough love for yourself. It might mean foregoing defending your behavior and taking a sober look at why. It may even mean inviting someone into that place to see you where you are, and walking alongside you with compassionate accountability.

This is the time of the year notorious for people being critical of their bodies and behaviors. They follow the criticism with plans and strategies how to do better this year. Some people will commit to abusing their bodies with harsh exercise, or cutting whole food groups out of their diet because they are “bad” and they are “being bad” when they consume them. This doesn’t sound like very loving behavior!

I have also noticed some backlash to this tradition. And I think somewhat rightly so. What concerns me though, is the risk of being overly permissive of hurtful behavior. Sometimes loving ourselves well looks like having really good boundaries! We don’t have to like our bodies to love them. What might this look like in the practical?

It probably means letting go of some really restrictive rules. The problem with cutting out whole food groups and drastic changes in diet, and harsh exercise, is that it is unsustainable. It creates an “on the wagon” vs “off the wagon” mentality. These types of rules can really create a lot of toxic habits, guilt and shame around food, and lead to disordered eating. It is fine and normal and even HEALTHY to have an occasional treat. The key word is occasional. Dessert foods never used to be part of a daily diet. The inception of processed and mass produced foods made these foods so readily accessible that they can be (and often are) eaten daily. Some good and healthy boundaries in this area would be to include treat foods on a few occasions a week, and FULLY enjoy them without guilt! I cringe when people say they are having a “cheat meal” or they are “cheating” on their diet. First, there is no such thing as cheating on a diet. We all bear the outcome of the food we eat, whether it is nutritious or not. By using the word “cheat” we are associating certain foods with being bad. Foods are inanimate. They are not inherently BAD. (I’d actually be more inclined to label a food ‘bad’ if the production of it is actively oppressing people, creating toxic outcomes in the environment, or supporting the abuse of animals—but that tangent is for another post!)

Loving your body well might include getting some good solid education on nutrition and health so you are equipped to make healthy choices. Unfortunately a lot of people are getting a lot of their information from someone promoting a certain diet or product. That is marketing, not education. The truth is: there is no one size fits all diet. We all have different bodies, chemistries, and ancestral heritage—which often affect the way we digest and metabolize different foods. Here is a really good article on why some people thrive on a vegan diet and others develop problematic deficiencies! David Winston, my teacher of clinical herbal medicine would often share this truth, “your body does not care about your philosophy.” I firmly believe that people can and should be able to eat wheat as part of a healthy diet. My body does not agree with this philosophy. I am allergic to gluten and consuming it causes some disastrous results!

Some may need baby steps; small incremental changes that are sustainable. Others might need a lot of accountability, strategy, and education to start! When I was going through treatment for an eating disorder, I was started out on a very rigid meal plan. I had to measure everything I ate. For me, it wasn’t because I was eating too much at meals, but I wasn’t eating enough, and then I was later binging and purging. This structure provided a safe place to learn what healthful meals and portions looked like. I was learning what it meant and felt like to nourish my body consistently throughout the day. AND! I had mandatory 2 desserts a week. I clearly remember “doughnut day” when I ate a doughnut for breakfast. This was part of my meal plan! And then I continued the day eating nourishing food. Sometimes what is needed is full permission to partake and enjoy a treat food. That time on the rigid meal plan was temporary. It was never intended for me to stay in that rigid structure, but serve as training so I could move to keep a food diary and record my meals, and eventually move to “normal eating.”

Sometimes restriction leads to freedom. Right now my diet is restrictive. But it’s not because I am punishing my body for being too large or too weak or too anything else. I choose to restrict my diet out of loving care for my body. Before I became committed to eliminate wheat out of my diet, my LIFE was restricted by the pain and inflammation and unpredictable bowel movements caused by eating gluten. It was a hard choice to make, but sometimes hard choices are required to move into freedom and healing. The difference is the attitude of love towards myself and not punishment. There have been times when I share with someone the food restrictions I have for health reasons, and their response to me is, “lucky you, if I couldn’t eat those foods I’d be thin.” This is both infuriating and heartbreaking all at once. Who wants to be thin so badly that they wish illness on their own body? Too many people unfortunately. I have received these comments on multiple occasions. At first it felt offensive and dismissive of the fact that I am often experience pain. I am often inconvenienced traveling and going out to eat, not to mention it would be nice to have the OPTION to have certain treats.

There are some good principles to follow, but they aren’t hard and fast rules. Louise Hay says, “If it grows, eat it. If it doesn’t grow, don’t eat it.” Even if this principle was followed 50% of the time, a lot of people’s nutritional intake would improve! It would mean a drastic reduction in processed and mass produced food, as these foods are manufactured, not grown.

Maybe you don’t like the body you are in. Maybe it’s not as young and strong as it was. Maybe it’s injured or disabled. Maybe it’s a constant struggle to get to a ‘healthy’ weight. Can you love it anyway? What might that look like? It might start by not calling it names and cursing it for not performing as you wished. When we love our body, we take better care of it. We choose more nutritious foods. We take the time to care for it well and prepare healthful meals, because these bodies of ours are worth the time and effort. Michael Pollan even suggests eating anything you want as long as it’s cooked at home! Take some time and consider what would loving YOUR body well might look like this year.

I bless you to know what loving your body well looks like in 2019!